Was Jeff Buckley a pretentious asshole?

I refused to like Jeff Buckley for the longest time. I thought the only reason he became so cultishly cool was because he drowned. But then I discovered Grace is the best album to listen to when you are really, really depressed. Because it just makes you more depressed! And if you're having a pity party for yourself, why not go all out? I also recommend drinking lots of red wine and wrapping yourself in soft poly-blend blankets and staring blankly in the mirror. I'm a sucker for a beautiful voice, and his is so warbly and quivering and plaintive. I just worry he was one of those "mysterious" guys in high school that all the girls had a crush on--when in reality their aloofness was just a mask for no personality. But, since he is dead, I'll never really know. And maybe that's a good thing. Plus, he was pretty hot. And apparently liked Doritos Cool Ranch.

Do you like fake cheese?

Then I highly recommend Healthy Choice's Four Cheese Pizza. I love my microwave diet dishes, but this one was inexcusable and highly atrocious. 'Twas like chewing rubber, only more rubbery. Not worth the 370 calories. I would rather guzzle three glasses of merlot and a candy bar and watch reruns of Cybill in my dirty bathrobe.

Want to feel like you're on drugs?

am I a serial killer?

Because I'm watching the Showtime series 'Dexter' and I really identify with him. He's played to perfection by Michael C. Hall, formerly of 'Six Feet Under'--another show I love. Who knew the gay brother with issues could be so...hot? I love the strawberry blonde scruff and deep-set eyes and pale pink lips. And I'm all about showcasing the city where TV shows are set. Forget Nip/Tuck, this is Miami! Ai yi yi I've never wanted a mojito and pork sandwich with pickles so badly. So, job well done, Showtime. And I hear they're going to start re-running it on CBS, which I think is a terrible idea, but so be it. I really want to work on a TV show. I'd like to write, or cast, or dress, or location scout. Pretty much anything. I need a job. Preferably a bombass one.

What's up with weak tea bags?

I feel like everything in the U.S.A. is of a slightly shittier quality. I'll start with tea. I'm currently drinking Sugar Plum Spice, "a holiday herb tea", by Celestial Seasonings. This first cup is actually pretty good. Granted, I'm drinking it out of a styrofoam (cancer) 8 oz. cup. I try to re-bag it, and it tastes like muddled bath water out of Louie Anderson's tub. The point I'm trying to make is that European tea is re-baggable.

The best tea in the entire world is P.G. Tips from (who else?) The Brits. I was introduced to it during my month-long sojourn in London. It's basically the Coca Cola of England. I got a little bit addicted. It's best served with buttery scones and chocolate digestives. No wonder I gained ten pounds over there!

I can't decide if Celestial Seasonings is the real deal (i.e. mellow yellow granny wearing a patchwork skirt and hemp shoes brewing up a batch in Boulder, CO) or an evil corporate tyrant with great marketing. Probably the latter. The word on the street is that Boulder is full of assholes. If you don't have the perfect calf muscles and newest kayak, get out. I'm trying to find a nice, large-ish town with not a lot of assholes.