Sometimes in life, the universe is against you. Whether you missed the winning kickball shot, received your third DUI in a month, or spilled hot maple syrup all over your fleecy white robe...well, Life just isn't working out for you. I had this experience during Labor Day weekend in Atlanta. The weather was bearable; just a touch of sweltering heat and enough humidity to keep me ever-perspiring. I had a lovely host. I ate at Ria's Bluebird cafe, which the N.Y. Times proclaimed had the best pancakes in the U.S.
But then a dark storm of foreboding passed over. The weekend was almost up, and I still had not gotten my Luther Burger. Now, I had come to Atlanta a year ago for this very reason. Surely I would not fall from grace again. Understandably, my friend was not enthused about this quest for excellence, as she is a vegetarian. But on our last full day in Atlanta, she granted permission for us to seek forth the Gravity Pub in East Atlanta and for me to receive that most holy of communion: a bacon cheeseburger delicately perched upon a grilled, oozing, greasy Krispy Kreme bun. We drive. We walk. We see a sign: "The Gravity Pub is closed for Labor Day weekend. We will re-open on September 2nd."
Defeat. Thoughts of suicide flit through my head. I question the universe and my role in it. Why dost thou not wish me to receive such bounty, O Lord? No matter. Like the phoenix, I will rise again from the ashes. And the ashes will taste like bacon. As soon as I get back to civilization (meaning Texas, of course) I will seek forth the nearest Krispy Kreme and I shall make my own goddamn Luther Burger. And it will be the sweetest nectar of the gods. And I shall find peace within my soul once more.
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