My wet dream of a movie

Why did guys in the 50s and early 60s look so good? Because they were so fresh-faced and clean cut, looking like they just stepped out of a Ivory soap commercial all scrubbed and dry and shiny bright. Starched white shirts, skinny black ties, high-waisted pressed pants, black shoes shined to a gleam, sharply cut crew cuts, tailored blazers…can you tell I’m drooling by now? Enter the film The Right Stuff. First off, it’s written by Tom Wolfe, whom I love. (Any man who dresses up in his own, timeless white suit every day is a winner in my book.) It stars the bleached-clean Ed Harris, the devilish smile of Dennis Quaid, nerdishly sexy Jeff Goldblum, and my soulmate: Sam Shepherd. Oh yeah, I had the realization I should probably marry Sam Shepherd. First off, he’s a lockdown in the looks department. Piercing blue eyes, tanned chiseled face, his sun-scorched leather bomber jacket, the fact that he’s also an amazing writer in real life, and he played Dolly Parton’s husband in Steel Magnolias…what more does a girl need?? He’s impeccable.

So The Right Stuff follows the story of the original astronauts and the beginning of NASA and the space race. It’s basically one big cheesecake photo of men shirtless, goofing off, and wearing shiny space suits. I actually really hate space travel, mainly for the fact that I think it’s the biggest waste of government money. All those billions of dollars poured into research, and what have we done with it? How has it benefited anyone’s life day to day? There are mentally ill homeless veterans on the streets and people dying because they don’t have adequate health care, but hey! John Glenn went into space! But I am shallow and lusting after the men, not the space angle, in this film.

It makes me really sad that those days are over. Now men dress like slobs in cut-off shorts, or they go the other revolting direction and become metrosexual Guidos with too much hair gel and sequined dress shirts. I just want Gregory Peck in his horn-rimmed glasses giving an impassioned speech in a Southern courthouse. Is that too much to ask??