Chatty Kathy, she ain't.

A goldmine of words.

For some obscure reason I ended up on the Tyra Banks show's website...embarrassing, I know. But then I quickly became intrigued by the comments left by Tyra fans. They are Uh-May-Zing! I could read them all day. It's really fun to read them out loud to your friends in a completely normal, monotone voice. Below is a sampling of what they had to say about T.I. the rapper. I agree, T.I. is attractive. Unfortunately, he will be in a jail cell for the next year, due to some very unfortunate circumstances...

note: trying to buy machine guns in Atlanta is never a good idea.

Comments (5) | Post a comment now »

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THAT MAN SEXXI HE 2 DAMN FINE 2 BE SITTIN IN A JAIL CELL LAWD LAWD!!!!!!!!

Posted by TANIA | 10/28/08 11:19 AM

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hey t.i,im luvin diz pic!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by Anonymous | 10/28/08 9:31 AM

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t.i i love you iam so so so soooooooooooooo sorry but i love that much you would never understand............maybe one day you would....:)u dig:)

Posted by kyria jerseygirl | 10/28/08 7:15 AM

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Do U, T.I...b different!! That's wut I'm talkin bout!!! OMG!! Start the trend...do the thang!

Posted by Shanda | 10/28/08 5:11 AM

This makes me weep.

My life's ambition is to one day make something like

THIS.

And then sell it to fellow maple bacon lovers and rejoice in the miracle that is sugary meat goodness.

Biff, you are my hero.

Biff Schmurr is a character from the 1980s young adult novel Is Kissing a Girl Who Smokes Like Licking an Ashtray? It was given to me by a dear friend who promised it would not disappoint. It did not. In fact, it exceeded my expectations. I went in expecting a generic, whitewashed take on teen love, teen awkwardness and teen cliches. Instead I got truly tender moments, excellent stream-of-consciousness writing, delightful inner monologues, and a fresh take on the age-old story of a young waif winning over a jaded 18-year-old man child. I identified with all the characters in the story: sassy Heidi, overbearing Willa, despondent Lynn, the lost dad--heck, even the grouchy old landlord. I might have even guffawed out loud a couple times--truly embarrassing, even when you are alone. This is how all teen novels should be. As a recently former teen, I should know.

I wish Maureen Dowd was my life mentor.

She's a feisty redhead who eloquently says what I mumbly jumbly think in my head. Here's her thoughts (just a smidge) on Sarah Palin:

A political jukebox, she drowned out Biden’s specifics, offering lifestyle as substance. “In the middle class of America, which is where Todd and I have been, you know, all our lives,” she said, making the middle class sound like it has its own ZIP code, superior to 90210 because “real” rules.

Sometimes, her sentences have a Yoda-like — “When 900 years old you reach, look as good you will not” — splendor. When she was asked by Couric if she’d ever negotiated with the Russians, the governor replied that when Putin “rears his head” he is headed for Alaska. Then she uttered yet another sentence that defies diagramming: “It is from Alaska that we send those out to make sure that an eye is being kept on this very powerful nation, Russia, because they are right there.”

Reared heads reared themselves again at the debate, when she said that Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac “were starting to really kind of rear the head of abuse.”

She dangles gerunds, mangles prepositions, randomly exiles nouns and verbs and also — “also” is her favorite vamping word — uses verbs better left as nouns, as in, “If Americans so bless us and privilege us with the opportunity of serving them,” or how she tried to “progress the agenda.”

Poppy Bush dropped personal pronouns and launched straight into verbs because he was minding his mother’s admonition against “the big I.” Palin, by contrast, uses a heck of a lot of language to praise herself as a fresh face with new ideas who has “joined this team that is a team of mavericks.” True mavericks don’t brand themselves.

One day Maureen and I will have lively lunch discussion al fresco. Then we'll braid each other's hair, drink chai milkshakes, and have a pillow fight in our Donna Karan cashmere pajamas!

Bacon grease-infused donuts.

I cooked Luther Burger sliders last night. It. Was. Amazing. And so easy. Dangerously easy. Like you could make one in thirty minutes if you had all the ingredients. Like so:

Tillamook cheddar cheese slices
Small lean beef patties
Krispy Kreme glazed donuts cut in half lengthwise
Bacon (I used turkey, which I know is so lame)

First, cook your beef. Then cook the bacon in the beef juice. THEN lightly grill the donut buns in the beef/bacon juice. Melt that cheese on top. Bite into the flaky, sticky, salty, sweet goodness that is an LB slider. Serve 'em up hot. My friends almost passed out. I had heart palpitations. I don't think I can ever make them again unless it's a special occasion. Like, say, a brist! But I was inspired to start a catering company. It shall be called Fingers. So obviously, all the food will be finger food. Small, compact, delicious, and not at all nutritious. Imagine LB finger sandwiches on little cellophane-wrapped toothpicks! So chic. The housewives would love it.