I think Sofia Coppola and I could be friends except she kind of intimidates me.

I was really excited to see her latest film, Somewhere, and it did not disappoint. Very pretty, very quiet, introspective, good soundtrack, nice colors, abrupt ending. I approve. And Stephen Dorff...who knew? He was great. And Elle Fanning. Not annoying like her big sister, Dakota. You would think a film about a shallow movie star set in hipster haven Chateau Marmont would annoy me, but Sofia Coppola is so cool she transcends hipster. That is very hard to do. I love movies about pretty people being sad in Los Angeles.

Middle School poetry

I started cleaning out my school papers and old journals in the attic today. I found a book of really bad poetry I wrote in middle school. Obviously, I had some serious Sylvia Plath issues going on. I idolized her. I also wanted to be a beatnik in the West Village in the 1950s and wear only black and smoke skinny cigarettes. I guess it's not too late to make these dreams come true, except I really don't like New York. Sorry, youth. Dreams crushed.

"Teen Idol"
Leaning against some plank on the wall
Stiletto boots making my feet throb
Hands folded together on my stomach
Not knowing what to do with themselves
I am so uncomfortable.
Out of the blue
Our eyes meet
Forever it seems
For so long
I grow awkward
Wanting desperately to smile
Eyes aching to turn away but cannot
You always break it first
Moving on to play other girls in the crowd

"Waxing Winsome"
My fascination with fire
Playing with the soft wax
Until my fingers burn
Molding it onto my fingers
Pressing the soft warmth to my lips
Pretending it to be someone else
Shredding it to crumbs
When it is not.

"Self-righteous"
Consume me
I smell like tendrils of a wild bruised blossom
The sisterly song plays
One I am not a part of
Forlornly on the outside edge
Arrogantly proclaiming
I do not care.
The black void of nothingness
And empty emotions
And spineless awakening


"Film Idols"
Everywhere I turn
Black and white beautiful faces
Staring back at me
Only a thin pane of glass
covered with dust
separates us
I want to break the glass
with my clenched fist
Breaking the barrier of time and reality
So what if it cuts my hands
and makes it bleed bright
Red drops of blood
streaked across white tile

"Soapbox"
He's such a poser
she says
Aren't we all
I want to say
All of us sitting around
Pretending to be like
the one next to us
until we forget
who we were in the beginning


"Cliche's reflection"
Underfed
and overstated
Overrated
Tiny trite lines bubble forth
A frothy brown foam
from the mouth
of the one who has spoken
They do not notice
continue to jabber
senselessly
Until it runs down their shirt
and puddles around their shoes
until they choke and heave up
their own self

Red Ladycoat

She’s a lady/ Whoa, whoa, whoa/ She’s a lady. And you too will be a lady in our new, just-in-time-for-fall coat. You can’t help but stand up a little straighter and put on your pumps when wearing our cherry red, knee-length autumn coat. Made of an elegant blend of cashmere and cotton, it will keep you warm while looking smart. Speaking of smart, have you seen our new houndstooth scarves on page 26? We don’t like to toot our own horn, but it’s a lethal combination just waiting to happen. If you can handle the compliments and kudos that are sure to fly your way, then we suggest you try it. Who knows, Tom Jones might even make an appearance.

Tony's Southern Comfort: a place for fatties

I really miss this restaurant. It was in a dirty, dingy part of East Austin that served up the best fried chicken'n'waffles in town. Plus they had their pies displayed up front. I judge most of my restaurants by the standard of: do they display their desserts on card tables in the center of the room? Tony's did. Anyway. I reviewed it in The Daily Texan. But apparently my review didn't draw enough fatties because it closed that same year. Sob.

Blink and you’ll miss it. Tony’s Southern Comfort Restaurant, located at 1201 East 6th Street, is a tiny joint with big, big chicken. If you want hearty comfort food, you’ve come to the right place.

Start your meal with the chicken “drumets”--a good-sized basket of fried chicken wings complete with spicy dipping sauce ($5.49). You’ll need it to prepare your stomach for the overload of fried meat headed your way. Tony’s boasts the infamous “chicken and waffles” dish ($7.59) and if you’re not careful, it can do you in. The golden chicken breast is hand fried and the perfect salty counterpart to the moist, chewy Belgian waffle it rested on. Be forewarned, it is not a dish for the weak of stomach.

If you’d like a little more variety, the “comfort entrees” come with two vegetables of the day and your choice of yeast rolls or jalapeno cornbread. Do not underestimate the sides, as they are just as flavorful as the main course. The mustard and turnip greens, a true Southern dish, are cooked in bacon with just the right amount of bitterness. Be sure to add some Louisiana Supreme hot sauce to them as well. Black-eyed peas, normally thought of as “New Years’ Day only” dish, are also excellent. My favorite had to be the decadent mac’n’cheese—truly a dish in which you can taste the home cookin’.

Fried pork chops tenderloin ($8.79) is also a dish unique to the South. Don’t knock it till you try it. You can get the pork chops not fried, but why would you want to do anything as silly as that? If you’re not a chicken fan, this is the way to go.
However, you can’t go wrong with anything involving the words “fried” and “chicken.” The fried chicken breast was an inch thick of perfectly tender white meat covered in crunchy batter. It was without a doubt the best fried chicken I have ever had, and I’ve had a lot of fried chicken in my time. It’s hand-breaded and deep-fried, which are two of my favorite adjectives involving poultry.

It sounds impossible, but at least try to save room for dessert. The banana cream pie, a steal at $1.59, has a creamy yellow filling topped with real whipped cream. The Nilla wafer crust is, of course, homemade. However, it might make deep breathing difficult by the end.

If you're in need of comforting--or just the best fried chicken ever—head on over to the east side of Austin. Be prepared for serious eating; skipping breakfast and wearing elastic waist pants are both highly recommended. Before you leave, be sure to admire all of Tony’s pies on the table in the front. You probably won't get to them all, but that's what next Sunday is for.

Fake Radio Spot for Dentist

I found this on my old computer and I still kinda sorta like it!



Dentist radio spot
:60

AUDIOFX: fun, happy, circus-y music plays.

Announcer voice: Do you like candy?

AV: How about big chunks of dark, bittersweet chocolate?

AV: Or milk chocolate squares with just a hint of mint?

AV: What about ooey gooey caramel cubes that stick to your teeth?

AV: Sour jujubes that turn sweet?

AV: Long ropes of sticky black licorice?

AV: Sugary jelly beans of every color?

AUDIOFX: music abruptly stops.

AV (now with voice comically deepened): What about going to the dentist? Do you like that? …Didn’t think so.

AUDIOFX: fun music plays again.

AV: Well, Dr. Jane Putnam likes candy. But she also likes strong, healthy teeth. And with over twenty years of experience, she’s gotten pretty good at balancing the two. So if you like candy, but you’d also like to keep your teeth, give us a call. We’re located in the heart of downtown Charlotte on Sterling Drive, so feel free to drop on by. And know that with Dr. Putnam Family Dentistry, you can have your cake and eat it, too.

A short film: Brunch

I have all these screenplays rolling around in my head and laptop, but I just can't seem to sit down and finally finish them. Instead, little scenes flit through my head at night and keep me up. I can't tell you the number of times I've had AMAZING ideas float by as I'm drifting to sleep.

"I'm gonna get up and write that down," I tell myself sleepily. "Oh, no, errrrmmmm, too tired. But it's so amazing, I'm SURE I'll remember it in the morning."

Of course I never do. Which is why I'm starting with a short film. It's called "Brunch" and it's about two girls going out to...well, brunch.


“Brunch”

The scene:

Two twenty-something girls over-trendily dressed, in line at a coffee shop with requisite Mac laptops. Both order ridiculous coffee drinks:

Coffee guy decked out in cardigan and non-prescription glasses: Hey.

Susie: Hi. Um, where is your soy milk from?

Guy sighs. It’s from a locally owned farm five minutes outside of Austin. It’s harvested using only solar panels and workers from a halfway house in a cooperative program designed to create productive members of society while also teaching them sustainable farming methods and where to buy TOMS shoes.

Susie: Ok great. Can I get a salted caramel soy latte no whip?

Liz: Yeah, and I’ll just have the Oaxacan blend with rice milk and low-glucose plant extract, thanks.

Girls go sit down at table in corner, pull out laptops, iPhones, text and type for two minutes without a word until Guy brings coffee over.

Susie: OMG I’m so stoked about brunch today!

Liz: For realz. I’m starved. It’s like, can I go nom nom yet?

Susie: No…we’ve got an hour. New hours: four to six now.
Liz: God, I’m so glad they pushed brunch hours back. It’s like, what kind of person gets up before 2 on a Sunday??

Susie: I know, totes! Like, if you’re at all cool you’re out partying all night and a decent hangover should take several hours to recover. Two to vomit. And two to watch a Real Housewives marathon.

Liz: And two to pick out a “I’m hungover but still cute in my jeggings look!”

Both laugh.

Susie: Omg. Zach was out with Ariel last night.

Liz: OMG. WTF. IRL?

Susie: Oh, god no. That would be so effed. But they were tweeting each other all night.

Liz: So tacky! Did they check each other in on FB?

Susie: Totes did. And he made her the mayor of Common Grounds, which used to be OUR fair trade free wifi coffee shop.

Liz: Eff him, Susie. You can do so much better. Like he does not deserve you. Like you are better than him.

Susie: I know. You’re so right. Girl power. Like I just wanna go home, put on my Victoria’s Secret sweat pants, and watch Oxygen and eat Weight Watchers three point desserts.

Liz: But Suze, we’ve got brunch!! Look, we’ll totes get a mimose. Or a bellini and and a Bene.

Susie: Bene?

Liz: Hello, Eggs Benedict? Grab your tote and let’s get the eff out of here.

Susie gets busy on her iPhone when she hears a ping.
Liz: Did he DM you?

Susie: No. He commented on my status update on FB.

Liz: Who friended who?

Susie: he did, but I followed his tumblr and reblogged his cat photo.

Liz: what’s your Netflix compatibility?

Susie: only 65% but we share a love of local indie rom coms starring Michael Cera.

Liz: Did he like your Vimeo profile pic?

Susie: He hasn’t seen that one but it’s the same as my OKCupid and he totes thinks I look like Kate Bosworth in it.

Liz: What’s his graphic tee shirt selection like?

Susie: He’s got some vintage Yacht Rock bands and a fair amount of camp counselor, plus some decently obscure East Coast public access children’s TV shows thrown in.

Liz: Loves.

Susie: I know, right? And did I tell you he bought one of my hand-sewn birdhouses on Etsy?

Liz: The one out of buttons or shells?

Susie: Neither. The one out of dead baby birth certificates and wine corks.

Liz: Oh god, that one was so expensive!

Susie: I know, right. It has to mean he likes me. He said he’s gonna use it for his wallpaper in his Pilates room.

Liz: Suze, you guys are like soul mates. You HAVE to at least sext with him.

Susie: I know, I know.

Girls get up, grab purses, and leave coffee shop.

NO FATTIES OR UGLIES!

I just found the most amazing job listing website ever. I'm not going to share it because it's more fun to copy and paste the job descriptions myself. Basically it's assistant/bitch jobs for Really Important People and Businesses and Agencies in LA. Let's have a look at this one...

Top five talent agency seeks assistant to busy MP Lit Agent. Daily responsibilities include Zappos.com transactions (buying, exchanging or tracking open orders), Barney's New York returns, purchasing vintage motorcycle helmets and looking for estate sales with French art books.

See, your BFA in Art History will come in handy as you scour dead people's garage sales for your boss's latest hobby!

And how bout this one...oh wait. Crap. I think this site might be a joke.

....

DAMMIT.