Thursday, June 30, 2011

5 Things I've learned.

I'm stealing this from a University of Texas publication. It was inspiring.

Robert King, Ph.D. — Professor Emeritus, Department of Linguistics —46 years at UT

1. Students remember you, not what you taught them. Life always comes down to people.
2. Don’t do today what you can put off until tomorrow. Obvious.
3. Never, ever, whenever, talk more than 35 minutes. Lecture in class, lecture anywhere: 35 minutes max. People, especially students, tune out after that. People would rather hear themselves talk and ask questions, than hear some old phearte rattling on for an hour plus.
4. Quit relying on those goddamned “devices!” Start reading books again, at least one or two a month. If all you do is log on and read blogs, then you are doo doo.
5. You want a friend? You want a “mate?” You want a wife, a lover? Get a dog. Much better in the long run. I recommend a wirehaired fox terrier, but any dog will do.

link here: http://www.insideourcampus.com/2011/03/5-things-ive-learned/

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Tender Mercies.

I entered the Texas Monthly blogging contest, where the Alamo Drafthouse and TM magazine put on a rolling roadshow of Texan movies...I wanted it so bad. I didn't get it. So here is my failed entry.


There are some films that hit you in your gut. There are some that hit you in your heart. And, there’s the occasional one that comes out of nowhere to hit you right smack in the nose, making you fall to the floor weeping like a two-year-old child. Tender Mercies did such a thing to me. I was blissfully unaware of the cathartic emotional breakdown I would go through in the 100 minutes of watching the 1983 Texan drama starring Robert Duvall and Tess Harper. It had popped up on my “suggested movies” list on Netflix, and being the good Texan and classic country music fan that I am, I willingly obliged.

Now, as a 26-year-old, I realize I haven’t had time yet for any real heartbreak and troubled past and drinking problems. But that’s how I realized what an honest and unflinching and true performance Robert Duvall gave--because I felt like a middle-aged, recovering alcoholic country singer after watching him as the faded Mac Sledge.

This film couldn’t have been shot on a sound stage in Los Angeles or a generic small town with good tax incentives in New Mexico. No sir, this kind of tangible magic could only happen in Waxahachie, Texas. The little town you glance over on your way to Dallas or Fort Worth, it’s a testament to big blue skies and waves of dead grass shimmering in the summer heat.

What I’m most drawn to watching Tender Mercies again is the sound--or lack of it. The scuff of a boot scraping mud against a door frame, the wind ruffling Sonny’s hair, Duvall’s sun-weathered hands delicately stroking the strings of his guitar--each sound is so pure and piercing that it further contributes to the movie’s stark, simplistic feel.

Not one note is overdone or false or pretentious. The acting, the weathered Mariposa Motel, the Slater Mill Boys band...it takes me back to a place I hope still exists. And Wilford Brimley. MY GOD Wilford Brimley. Is there a better character actor out there? (My apologies to Karl Malden.)

Though I wasn’t alive when Tender Mercies came out, I hope to sit on the steps of the Waxahachie courthouse this June and feel its emotional honesty in my gut, my heart, and my nose once more.

I just hope I can keep the crying to a minimum.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

I wrote a poem in five minutes

I am in a writing workshop right now that I'm really enjoying. Writing workshops always make me think of the Todd Soldonz film Storytelling. Which is a really effed up film that I adore! There is something so cute and community college-y about sitting in a circle with a bunch of middle-aged women discussing Sandra Cisneros short stories. I love it! I was supposed to write a poem "inspired" by Jimmy Santiago Baca's poem "I Am Offering This Poem." I forgot to do it and wrote this frantically at my desk ten minutes before the meeting.

So here you go.

I have nothing else to give you,
But a tiny one-bedroom house
With a shaded yard
Where your dog can run free and we can sip coffee in the mornings.
The front porch gets the best light,
But the back is quieter.

I can cook you meals.
Nothing that would be featured in Saveur or Food + Wine,
But I’ll buy the best ingredients
I’ll splurge on organic vegetables for you
And I’ll plan the menu for each night while I work during the day.

We can play hooky once a month
And go to the movies on a Tuesday afternoon
And sit in the dark with the retirees and unemployed,
And talk about our future with buttery popcorn and stale boxes of candy.

I will write bad poems about you,
That I will only share after a couple glasses of wine
And even though you might cringe at its earnestness,
You will think of it later and blush.

It’s all I have to give
And I hope it’s enough
But if not
I’ll find more.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Tennessee Me.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

I just wanted to be Miss Cheerwine.



Backstory: There was a contest on Facebook to find the next "Miss Cheerwine." Cheerwine is a super Southern bottled beverage favored by NASCAR drivers and Carolina frat boys. So--me in a nutshell. I had to write an essay and submit some semi-sexy pictures. I wrote my essay in about thirty minutes, as it'd been sitting inside me for ten years or so. Done. Easy peasy. I had this shit down. Then I tried to submit it. Oops. Error. Pictures too sexy? No. No, it wasn't that. I was too fucking OLD. I was 26. The cut-off age was 25. I desperately tried to change my DOB. Nope, Facebook was too smart for that. Okay...panic set in. I had written a Paris Review-worthy Cheerwine essay and it deserved to be read. So...nothing to do now but lie. Make a fake Facebook page. (This was all done at my work, by the way. No shame here.) So I made the fake Facebook, where I lied about my age, and also about my current city, as you also had to live in the Carolinas or Tennessee to qualify. The whole thing was just becoming a giant failure of my life but I had to complete this sad task. Needless to say, I did not win Miss Cheerwine. But I now have this essay to remind me of what could have been...


I’m a Southern girl through and through. Born and raised in Austin, TX, I’ve always been amazed by the beauty and history of our southeastern states. From the sandy shores of North Carolina to the plains of West Texas, our history runs true and deep.

Cheerwine represents the South at its finest. A locally owned product with a history that goes almost as far back as North Carolina’s Blue Ridge Mountains, the bubbly beverage is the only kind in our country still produced by the same family.

To call it a crowd-pleaser is an understatement. The love of Cheerwine borders on fanaticism. This is a brand that benefited from crowd-sourcing and user-generated content and word-of-mouth before all those silly Internet buzzwords even existed. Cheerwine is successful after 90 years because of one simple reason: it’s delicious. And it invokes memories of long, hot, Southern summers: lazy afternoons in hammocks, front porch talks with your neighbors, pickup trucks and swimming holes.

I see myself as the ideal Miss Cheerwine. My experience in public relations, event planning, and customer-facing jobs are ideal for the role. A brand ambassador is essential in knowing what makes their brand unique, and communicating their love for the product and its history to the world. I would be honored to represent Cheerwine and its effervescent brand this summer. I see 2011 as the year Cheerwine becames not just the soft drink of the Carolinas, but the cherry-flavored beverage of our great country.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Friday Poetry

New thing I just decided two minutes ago. I'm going to post a couple poems I like each Friday. They can be super shitty/corny (by me), or they can actually be good (by someone else). My coworker is real sweet and sends me lots of fun little poems and stories every week. So today I have a poem by Sherman Alexie. After having worked in the airline industry for a couple years, I can definitely relate:

Sherman Alexie (born 1966)

"On Airplanes"

I am always amused.
By those couples—

Lovers and spouses—
Who perform and ask

Others to perform
Musical chairs

Wherever they, by
Random seat selection,

Are separated
From each other.

“Can you switch
Seats with me?”

A woman asked me.
“So I can sit

With my husband?”
She wanted me,

A big man, who
Always books early,

And will gratefully
Pay extra for the exit row,

To trade my aisle seat
For her middle seat.

By asking me to change
My location for hers,

The woman is actually
Saying to me:

“Dear stranger, dear
Sir, my comfort is

More important than yours.
Dear solitary traveler,

My love and fear—
As contained

Within my marriage—
Are larger than yours.”

O, the insult!
O, the condescension!

And this is not
An isolated incident.

I’ve been asked
To trade seats

Twenty or thirty times
Over the years.

How dare you!
How dare you

Ask me to change
My life for you!

How imperial!
How colonial!

But, ah, here is
The strange truth:

Whenever I’m asked
To trade seats

For somebody else’s love,
I do, I always do. (149-151)


from War Dances. New York: Grove, 2009. Copyright 2009 by Sherman Alexie.

And, being that I'm in an unusual, romantical mood (for reasons I'm not ready to go into) I will also post this:

Jane Kenyon (1947-1995)


The Shirt

The shirt touches his neck
and smooths over his back.
It slides down his sides.
It even goes down below his belt—
down into his pants.
Lucky shirt. [1978]

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Pavement on a rainy Thursday.



Do you think Stephen Malkmus is embarrassed by this video? It's absolutely precious how unself-conscious he is in this: waggling his eyebrows, striking some pin-up poses on a rock, wearing some baggy K-mart sweater, practically making love to the camera. I miss the early to mid 90s. People are too worried today about being ironic and jaded and cool to just let their hair down and kiss a rock.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Summer Lovin'

Retro dress
425 GBP - suzannah.com

Platform stiletto heels
4.99 GBP - dressrail.com

Kara by Kara Ross clutch
$1,190 - boutique1.com

Juicy couture bracelet
$148 - nordstrom.com

By Sou Brette white ring
81 GBP - kabiri.co.uk

Metal earring
$12 - topshop.com

Cacharel round sunglass
$525 - openingceremony.us

TopShop floppy straw hat
$65 - topshop.com

Friday, May 6, 2011

Beautiful old Southern photos



Felt like sharing some beautiful old Southern women photos, courtesy of my favorite magazine Garden & Gun. Happy Mother's Day!

Thursday, May 5, 2011

This makes me wanna dance!



I have one dream in life...and that is to be in a MGM musical sequence, a la Busby Berkeley. Just five minutes in a gold swimsuit wearing a feather headdress...that's all I ask. (I realize this is an Italian TV special spoofing American English, but it's one of the best songs I've ever heard.)

The most beautiful movie trailer.



Dear Mr. Malick, I would like to be friends. I think we could have some good chats drinking iced tea and sitting on the front porch, watching the fireflies come out at night.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

I'm moving

My NYC friend sent me this oh-so-enticing Craigslist ad today. So intriguing I had to save it. Yes, men like this really do exist. And they're probably making more money than I could ever dream of.

$1100 Looking for more wolves to join the wolfpack (East Village)

Trying to avoid the whole "having a roommate who sucks" situation so we're looking for a couple solid dudes that get along with us BEFORE moving in with random guys that put on a “bro” front but next thing you know they creep out all the friends you bring over or they look at you cock-eyed when you make a Hangover reference in the title of your Craigslist post…

A bit about us: Three straight males a year into our careers in market research and finance for three major companies. We have big commitments to our jobs but we still like to have a good time and experience NYC like it was meant to be experienced. Two of us have been friends for some time and the other joined our pack through this craigslist search. Genuinely we want to befriend our new roommates and share the benefits of prospective pools of hot chick friends, knowledge of hidden bars/restaurants in the city, and overall just having a fun place to live.

So if you’re interested in meeting us, send us an email and we’ll meet up. If all goes well, we can find a good 3-4 bedroom apartment in Manhattan (we’re thinking east side, anywhere Murray Hill and south) and live it up.

We are looking for a May 1, May 15 or June 1 move in.

IN EMAIL:

- Tell us about yourself, we don’t give a shit about your life story, just give us the basics.
- How old are you? If you’re too self conscious to tell us then you’re too old.
- Do you have a steady job? Can you make rent? We’re looking at places between $1000-1400/month
- Do you know what an Xbox is? We casually dabble in some competitive FIFA while drinking
- Do you have a girlfriend? Is she going to be at our place day in and day out? If so, can she cook?
- Can you deal with sarcastic and borderline inappropriate humor?
- Can you attempt to clean up after yourself?
- Do you have a sick ass Flatscreen TV and/or leather couch? Your chances are a lot better if you do…

Cheers…

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Don't look at the camera.



Who knew I'd be digging a music video with John Stamos?

Is it summer yet?

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

The Year of Fat Experiment

If I was brave and gutsy and crazy, I would do a year where I let myself get really, really fat. Just give up altogether. Maybe still wear makeup and try to look nice, but just be straight-up chubby. Although if I was fat, would I even bother to look nice? Or would it be a slow, unstoppable descent into sweatpants and greasy ponytails? What a fascinating documentary that would be. Watching a formerly vain girl's transformation into chubby hell. I guess I could get to about 200 pretty easy. That's fat enough. And to document how my friends and family would treat me differently. Would I tell them it was an experiment? Or would that ruin it? Would I just wait to see who would say something first? Of course it'd be my mom: "Honey...I know you don't want to hear it, but I'm worried about your weight. You've always had such a pretty face and I don't want you to hide it. Plus, your health!!!"

I think it'd be a pretty interesting take on how society treats attractive and unattractive women. (At least that's what my artist's statement would say at MOMA.) From job interviews to going out to bars to online dating...the possibilities for awful, awkward encounters are endless! Maybe I'm the only one who would want to watch this. But I think I have some friends out there who struggle with their weight and emotional eating that would take a schadenfreude delight in watching someone say "fuck it!" and eat a pint of B&J's Chubby Monkey every night. Maybe I can get an artist's grant for this. Of course, all the money would be used for lap band surgery and hypnosis after the year to slim up. And Adderall. And other legalized speed that would curb my appetite. Diet and exercise? Nope, never heard of 'em.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

I wanna recreate this.

Nostalgia will get you nowhere.

If I could relive one day
It'd be the perfect spring day
Summer hot but breezy.
Slightly hungover and operating on very little sleep
and that false adrenaline high where you crash at six o'clock that night.
But for now--
it is noon and we are young and irresponsible and carefree and pleasure-seeking
and the sun burns our faces as we lie in the grass of a city park
and stare at families.
I'm wearing last night's party clothes with uncombed hair and unbrushed teeth
and I've never felt prettier.
I flourish around you.
We walk to get snacks and end up with Belgian fruit beer and a soft French cheese
and it's decadent and lovely and heady and rich.
We're only 22 and the world is our oyster and it's fucking fantastic
and we haven't even kissed yet.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Can we all please stop having foodgasms?

I used to write restaurant reviews for the Daily Texan newspaper and it. Was. Awesome. I didn't get too high-falutin' or big for my britches. I just went to decent restaurants and tried to get a story out of it. Best job ever. But lately...I'm just really annoyed by the whole restaurant/food truck/pop-up shop/soup on a bike thing. Why has the food scene become so trendy-licious? It's local this and sustainable that and Basque fusion bullshit. If I have to read about someone going "nom nom" or having a one-night stand with their Chicken-n-Waffles or combining Korean and Mexican to make French crepes or how there's this amazing food truck but you have to get the secret password from Twitter to find it and then guess what's on their daily menu and if you guess wrong you're not getting jack-shit and OMG have you tried sow's ear???? It's like the best thing I've ever put in my mouth!!! I eat weird parts of pig because I want to appear cultivated and European!!! High-end BBQ! Reverse late-night happy hour brunch explosion!!! Salmon foam and artichoke-pumpkin seed mousse! Fusion!!!

Okay I'm done. Review below:


"Come for the mezzes, stay for the belly dancers"

Don’t be fooled by the somewhat seedy appearance of Ararat Restaurant. Located on 111 East North Loop, the restaurant sits on a strip surrounded by such hipster havens as Monkeywrench Books and Room Service, a vintage furniture store.

The interior is welcoming and warm, if a bit threadbare. Walls are covered with Turkish tapestries and one can sit at a regular wooden table or a low round table with cushioned stools if you’re feeling more adventurous (and flexible). Ararat is a popular place to bring large groups of people, and something I would definitely recommend, as my party of two felt very lonely at our small table. Belly dancers make their appearance on weekends, but come prepared with $1’s so you can tip. The music was enjoyable, but way too loud. It made conversation with the waiter and my dining companion difficult, if not impossible at times.

The outside garden was festive and fun at night. The ground glittered with glass rocks and there were Christmas lights strung about. One large party was seated at a low table in the back patio, which can accommodate up to 25 people. It was definitely the best seat in the house.

The family style option is the way to go, especially if you have a party of four or more. Though pricey, it allows you to get a nice sampling of all the restaurant has to offer. At $25 per person, it includes mezzes (appetizers), entrée, pita bread, dessert, coffee, corking fee, tax, and gratuity. I regretted not bringing another two people and a bottle of wine, because Ararat is also BYOB. The family style prices ranged from $15 to $30, and our waiter encouraged us to go for the $25 meal in order to get the grilled beef and chicken.

Our first mezzes included hummus, baba ghanouj, tabouli, maust museer, dolmeh, patlican, and warm pita bread for scooping. The hummus, a beautiful mustard color blend of garbanzo beans, garlic, spices, and tahini was delicious. So was the baba ghanouj, an exotically spiced blended eggplant dip. The dolmeh, grape leaves stuffed with rice and nuts, were way too small. They should skip the patlican (fried eggplant with yogurt cucumber sauce) and supersize the dolmeh. The tabouli suffered from too much parsley.

Unfortunately, after the mezzes, my companion and I were comfortably full. But the fun had just begun. Brightly colored Fiesta bowls filled with grilled lamb, beef, chicken, shawerma stew, chole, Persian rice, bulghar wheat, and maust museer soon arrived. The mansaf (roasted lamb with rosemary and garlic) was our favorite dish of the night. The lamb was tender and the garbanzo bean carrot sauce absolutely divine. The other grilled meats were uniquely spiced, but we were too full to appreciate them. The stew and grilled vegetables paled in comparison.

The dessert was the smallest dish of the night, which was just as well considering the mountain of meat we had indulged in. It consisted of a tiny square of baklava surrounded by three puff pastries and drizzled with Turkish coffee chocolate sauce. But the iced Turkish coffee was the winner as our perfect complement to our hedonistic meal. My dining companion and I waddled out into the night with mounds of leftovers and stuffed smiles of contentment.

(More reviews found at www.lindseykate.yelp.com)

Monday, February 21, 2011

I think Sofia Coppola and I could be friends except she kind of intimidates me.



I was really excited to see her latest film, Somewhere, and it did not disappoint. Very pretty, very quiet, introspective, good soundtrack, nice colors, abrupt ending. I approve. And Stephen Dorff...who knew? He was great. And Elle Fanning. Not annoying like her big sister, Dakota. You would think a film about a shallow movie star set in hipster haven Chateau Marmont would annoy me, but Sofia Coppola is so cool she transcends hipster. That is very hard to do. I love movies about pretty people being sad in Los Angeles.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Middle School poetry

I started cleaning out my school papers and old journals in the attic today. I found a book of really bad poetry I wrote in middle school. Obviously, I had some serious Sylvia Plath issues going on. I idolized her. I also wanted to be a beatnik in the West Village in the 1950s and wear only black and smoke skinny cigarettes. I guess it's not too late to make these dreams come true, except I really don't like New York. Sorry, youth. Dreams crushed.

"Teen Idol"
Leaning against some plank on the wall
Stiletto boots making my feet throb
Hands folded together on my stomach
Not knowing what to do with themselves
I am so uncomfortable.
Out of the blue
Our eyes meet
Forever it seems
For so long
I grow awkward
Wanting desperately to smile
Eyes aching to turn away but cannot
You always break it first
Moving on to play other girls in the crowd

"Waxing Winsome"
My fascination with fire
Playing with the soft wax
Until my fingers burn
Molding it onto my fingers
Pressing the soft warmth to my lips
Pretending it to be someone else
Shredding it to crumbs
When it is not.

"Self-righteous"
Consume me
I smell like tendrils of a wild bruised blossom
The sisterly song plays
One I am not a part of
Forlornly on the outside edge
Arrogantly proclaiming
I do not care.
The black void of nothingness
And empty emotions
And spineless awakening


"Film Idols"
Everywhere I turn
Black and white beautiful faces
Staring back at me
Only a thin pane of glass
covered with dust
separates us
I want to break the glass
with my clenched fist
Breaking the barrier of time and reality
So what if it cuts my hands
and makes it bleed bright
Red drops of blood
streaked across white tile

"Soapbox"
He's such a poser
she says
Aren't we all
I want to say
All of us sitting around
Pretending to be like
the one next to us
until we forget
who we were in the beginning


"Cliche's reflection"
Underfed
and overstated
Overrated
Tiny trite lines bubble forth
A frothy brown foam
from the mouth
of the one who has spoken
They do not notice
continue to jabber
senselessly
Until it runs down their shirt
and puddles around their shoes
until they choke and heave up
their own self

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Red Ladycoat




She’s a lady/ Whoa, whoa, whoa/ She’s a lady. And you too will be a lady in our new, just-in-time-for-fall coat. You can’t help but stand up a little straighter and put on your pumps when wearing our cherry red, knee-length autumn coat. Made of an elegant blend of cashmere and cotton, it will keep you warm while looking smart. Speaking of smart, have you seen our new houndstooth scarves on page 26? We don’t like to toot our own horn, but it’s a lethal combination just waiting to happen. If you can handle the compliments and kudos that are sure to fly your way, then we suggest you try it. Who knows, Tom Jones might even make an appearance.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Tony's Southern Comfort: a place for fatties

I really miss this restaurant. It was in a dirty, dingy part of East Austin that served up the best fried chicken'n'waffles in town. Plus they had their pies displayed up front. I judge most of my restaurants by the standard of: do they display their desserts on card tables in the center of the room? Tony's did. Anyway. I reviewed it in The Daily Texan. But apparently my review didn't draw enough fatties because it closed that same year. Sob.

Blink and you’ll miss it. Tony’s Southern Comfort Restaurant, located at 1201 East 6th Street, is a tiny joint with big, big chicken. If you want hearty comfort food, you’ve come to the right place.

Start your meal with the chicken “drumets”--a good-sized basket of fried chicken wings complete with spicy dipping sauce ($5.49). You’ll need it to prepare your stomach for the overload of fried meat headed your way. Tony’s boasts the infamous “chicken and waffles” dish ($7.59) and if you’re not careful, it can do you in. The golden chicken breast is hand fried and the perfect salty counterpart to the moist, chewy Belgian waffle it rested on. Be forewarned, it is not a dish for the weak of stomach.

If you’d like a little more variety, the “comfort entrees” come with two vegetables of the day and your choice of yeast rolls or jalapeno cornbread. Do not underestimate the sides, as they are just as flavorful as the main course. The mustard and turnip greens, a true Southern dish, are cooked in bacon with just the right amount of bitterness. Be sure to add some Louisiana Supreme hot sauce to them as well. Black-eyed peas, normally thought of as “New Years’ Day only” dish, are also excellent. My favorite had to be the decadent mac’n’cheese—truly a dish in which you can taste the home cookin’.

Fried pork chops tenderloin ($8.79) is also a dish unique to the South. Don’t knock it till you try it. You can get the pork chops not fried, but why would you want to do anything as silly as that? If you’re not a chicken fan, this is the way to go.
However, you can’t go wrong with anything involving the words “fried” and “chicken.” The fried chicken breast was an inch thick of perfectly tender white meat covered in crunchy batter. It was without a doubt the best fried chicken I have ever had, and I’ve had a lot of fried chicken in my time. It’s hand-breaded and deep-fried, which are two of my favorite adjectives involving poultry.

It sounds impossible, but at least try to save room for dessert. The banana cream pie, a steal at $1.59, has a creamy yellow filling topped with real whipped cream. The Nilla wafer crust is, of course, homemade. However, it might make deep breathing difficult by the end.

If you're in need of comforting--or just the best fried chicken ever—head on over to the east side of Austin. Be prepared for serious eating; skipping breakfast and wearing elastic waist pants are both highly recommended. Before you leave, be sure to admire all of Tony’s pies on the table in the front. You probably won't get to them all, but that's what next Sunday is for.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Fake Radio Spot for Dentist

I found this on my old computer and I still kinda sorta like it!



Dentist radio spot
:60

AUDIOFX: fun, happy, circus-y music plays.

Announcer voice: Do you like candy?

AV: How about big chunks of dark, bittersweet chocolate?

AV: Or milk chocolate squares with just a hint of mint?

AV: What about ooey gooey caramel cubes that stick to your teeth?

AV: Sour jujubes that turn sweet?

AV: Long ropes of sticky black licorice?

AV: Sugary jelly beans of every color?

AUDIOFX: music abruptly stops.

AV (now with voice comically deepened): What about going to the dentist? Do you like that? …Didn’t think so.

AUDIOFX: fun music plays again.

AV: Well, Dr. Jane Putnam likes candy. But she also likes strong, healthy teeth. And with over twenty years of experience, she’s gotten pretty good at balancing the two. So if you like candy, but you’d also like to keep your teeth, give us a call. We’re located in the heart of downtown Charlotte on Sterling Drive, so feel free to drop on by. And know that with Dr. Putnam Family Dentistry, you can have your cake and eat it, too.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

A short film: Brunch

I have all these screenplays rolling around in my head and laptop, but I just can't seem to sit down and finally finish them. Instead, little scenes flit through my head at night and keep me up. I can't tell you the number of times I've had AMAZING ideas float by as I'm drifting to sleep.

"I'm gonna get up and write that down," I tell myself sleepily. "Oh, no, errrrmmmm, too tired. But it's so amazing, I'm SURE I'll remember it in the morning."

Of course I never do. Which is why I'm starting with a short film. It's called "Brunch" and it's about two girls going out to...well, brunch.


“Brunch”

The scene:

Two twenty-something girls over-trendily dressed, in line at a coffee shop with requisite Mac laptops. Both order ridiculous coffee drinks:

Coffee guy decked out in cardigan and non-prescription glasses: Hey.

Susie: Hi. Um, where is your soy milk from?

Guy sighs. It’s from a locally owned farm five minutes outside of Austin. It’s harvested using only solar panels and workers from a halfway house in a cooperative program designed to create productive members of society while also teaching them sustainable farming methods and where to buy TOMS shoes.

Susie: Ok great. Can I get a salted caramel soy latte no whip?

Liz: Yeah, and I’ll just have the Oaxacan blend with rice milk and low-glucose plant extract, thanks.

Girls go sit down at table in corner, pull out laptops, iPhones, text and type for two minutes without a word until Guy brings coffee over.

Susie: OMG I’m so stoked about brunch today!

Liz: For realz. I’m starved. It’s like, can I go nom nom yet?

Susie: No…we’ve got an hour. New hours: four to six now.
Liz: God, I’m so glad they pushed brunch hours back. It’s like, what kind of person gets up before 2 on a Sunday??

Susie: I know, totes! Like, if you’re at all cool you’re out partying all night and a decent hangover should take several hours to recover. Two to vomit. And two to watch a Real Housewives marathon.

Liz: And two to pick out a “I’m hungover but still cute in my jeggings look!”

Both laugh.

Susie: Omg. Zach was out with Ariel last night.

Liz: OMG. WTF. IRL?

Susie: Oh, god no. That would be so effed. But they were tweeting each other all night.

Liz: So tacky! Did they check each other in on FB?

Susie: Totes did. And he made her the mayor of Common Grounds, which used to be OUR fair trade free wifi coffee shop.

Liz: Eff him, Susie. You can do so much better. Like he does not deserve you. Like you are better than him.

Susie: I know. You’re so right. Girl power. Like I just wanna go home, put on my Victoria’s Secret sweat pants, and watch Oxygen and eat Weight Watchers three point desserts.

Liz: But Suze, we’ve got brunch!! Look, we’ll totes get a mimose. Or a bellini and and a Bene.

Susie: Bene?

Liz: Hello, Eggs Benedict? Grab your tote and let’s get the eff out of here.

Susie gets busy on her iPhone when she hears a ping.
Liz: Did he DM you?

Susie: No. He commented on my status update on FB.

Liz: Who friended who?

Susie: he did, but I followed his tumblr and reblogged his cat photo.

Liz: what’s your Netflix compatibility?

Susie: only 65% but we share a love of local indie rom coms starring Michael Cera.

Liz: Did he like your Vimeo profile pic?

Susie: He hasn’t seen that one but it’s the same as my OKCupid and he totes thinks I look like Kate Bosworth in it.

Liz: What’s his graphic tee shirt selection like?

Susie: He’s got some vintage Yacht Rock bands and a fair amount of camp counselor, plus some decently obscure East Coast public access children’s TV shows thrown in.

Liz: Loves.

Susie: I know, right? And did I tell you he bought one of my hand-sewn birdhouses on Etsy?

Liz: The one out of buttons or shells?

Susie: Neither. The one out of dead baby birth certificates and wine corks.

Liz: Oh god, that one was so expensive!

Susie: I know, right. It has to mean he likes me. He said he’s gonna use it for his wallpaper in his Pilates room.

Liz: Suze, you guys are like soul mates. You HAVE to at least sext with him.

Susie: I know, I know.

Girls get up, grab purses, and leave coffee shop.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

NO FATTIES OR UGLIES!

I just found the most amazing job listing website ever. I'm not going to share it because it's more fun to copy and paste the job descriptions myself. Basically it's assistant/bitch jobs for Really Important People and Businesses and Agencies in LA. Let's have a look at this one...

Top five talent agency seeks assistant to busy MP Lit Agent. Daily responsibilities include Zappos.com transactions (buying, exchanging or tracking open orders), Barney's New York returns, purchasing vintage motorcycle helmets and looking for estate sales with French art books.

See, your BFA in Art History will come in handy as you scour dead people's garage sales for your boss's latest hobby!

And how bout this one...oh wait. Crap. I think this site might be a joke.

....

DAMMIT.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Why you can easily spend all day on Craigslist

I have to share this winner. What a delightful dreamboat. I'm emailing him immediately.

POSSIBLE FREE RENT! FEMALES ONLY!!! (map)


O.k. so here is the deal. I have moved into an apartment with a good friend of mine. We live in a bacholor type invironment. I have the only room. My friend has the living room but all of the house is shared aside from when he is asleep. I/we are looking for a good woman companion to share good times with. We know how to have a good time yet be responsible when it comes down to it. I am not looking for a slave,only a woman to be a woman and to do the things a woman would do. If you'd like I can send a pic of myself after your reply but please,send 1 of yourself first. My picture of myself will not be disapointing ;-) This situation will only work if you have a very open mind and we have good understanding before you were to move in. What I would suggest is to come hang out for a night and see if everybody is compatable with each other so that we will all know that this will work out for everybodies best interest. If you have any questions please do not hesitate to email,text or call. You can reach me at 571-505-6508. I look forward to hearing from you. And if this doesn't sound like you,then best of luck looking for whatever exactly it is that you're looking for.