I Quit (kinda)

I’m a quitter. I have trouble staying with one city, one job, one boyfriend, one apartment. I think the only thing I’m faithful to right now is my hairstyle. But I think (hope?) I’m finally changing. Well, as soon as I quit the job and city I’m currently doing.

This past Wednesday was the rare occasion I had dinner with not just the kids, but the entire family. We’re sitting at the crowded IKEA wooden table, eating our fromage blanc for dessert, and I tell them I’d like to go over some “vacation dates”—i.e., tell them when friends/boyfriend coming to visit and therefore I WILL NOT WORK. We discuss my friend Rachel, my mom, and Colin coming. They made a big deal about my “boyfriend” coming. And then the subject of Christmas come up. At one point my parents considered flying here for Christmas. But, the more I thought about it, it seemed silly and much more expensive for them to come here. Multiple plane tickets, a hotel, cold and rainy Paris instead of mild Austin…hmmm, I quickly changed my mind about the whole thing. I mean, sure, if we were really loaded and could get a suite at the Ritz I’d be down. But that wasn’t happening. Plus, I wanted to go home. Get my hair cut, get more winter coats.

So my family asked if I was still bringing my parents over for Christmas.
“Actually,” I ventured, “I think I’d like to fly home for Christmas.”

They seemed mildly shocked. Apparently the other au pairs never had visitors, let alone went home once. Weird. Sorry, I’m a Texan who gets homesick!

They ask how long I’ll be gone. A week? And then they drop the bomb…

“So, are you buying a one-way ticket home?”

I laugh nervously. They don’t. We stare at each other.

The mom leans in: “If you are considering going home after Christmas, I need to know RIGHT NOW.”

Oh shit oh shit oh shit. I think this is called getting backed into a corner.

“Well,” I begin cautiously. “I have to admit, it’s crossed my mind. I am homesick and I miss my boyfriend and uh…you know.”

The mom gets upset. Understandably. “If you are breaking the contract, I am going to be very, very angry. But I need to know so we can prepare. It isn’t fair for the children! But that’s life…”

We’ve all stopped eating dinner and everyone is looking at me. Gulp. Well, let’s just bite the bullet: “Okay, I think I will be going home after Christmas.”

And then I blacked out from stress and confrontation. The family quickly left the table and I took my sweet time cleaning up the kitchen. I come out and the mom is putting the kids to the bed, the dad sits awkwardly on the couch.

“So! Are you and your boyfriend getting engaged then?” he asks.

Hmmm. This might make my reasons for leaving easier. You know, rather than your-kids-suck-and-I'm-not-into-Paris-that-much. “Yeah, you know, we’ve talked about it.”

He nods. ”Ah, young love…”
I laugh awkwardly. Wow, I’m pretty much lying to my family and telling them I’m engaged to be engaged. Let’s go with this angle. Much easier to swallow than I think your kids are shit and I hate taking care of them and quite frankly I feel my IQ rapidly denigrating just being around them.

“You know, I’m really sorry to do this, but I felt it wasn’t fair to the family or me if I’m unhappy,” I timidly say.

“Yes, well, I suppose we will have enough time to find someone else,” he says.

We stare into space and then I stand up abruptly: “Okay! I’m gonna head upstairs. See you tomorrow…”

And we haven’t talked about it since. I was nervous they would start treating me like shit since I’m no longer a permanent fixture, but we’ve just gone into the “friendly-nothing-is-wrong!” zone. We kind of left it that I would take care of the kids full-time the first week of Christmas vacation, which means I will be flying home Christmas Day.

As I headed upstairs, I did feel a big weight lift off my shoulders. Honestly, I think I knew going into this I wouldn’t last. Yes, the homesick might pass after several months. But taking care of kids as my job? I KNEW I wouldn’t be good at it. I’m not quite sure what made me do it. I guess I thought it wouldn’t be so hard, that it would occupy so little of my time that it wouldn’t affect me. But I suck at it. And doing a job you dislike every day gets to you after awhile. I try to like the kids. Sometimes. But…I just don’t. They don’t make it easy. Do you know how frustrating it is to ask a little kid every day brightly, “Hey! How was your day?” and for them to shrug, mumble some smartass response, and walk away? It’s like, why fucking bother? What happened to kids being generally happy bundles of joy? Are these kids just future Existentialists in the making? Hey punk, you’re nine years old, it’s MY TURN to be depressed, not yours. Save it for junior high.

I called Colin the next day—2am his time. I told him what had happened. It has big implications for us. We had discussed me moving in with him before I came, and it was also a possibility when my term was up in July. But now it was up…a lot sooner. But we both feel really good about it. I think we’re both nervous, as neither of us has done anything like this. We’ve avoided serious commitment for a long time. But…it’s taking a leap, and what’s the worst that could happen?

It’s funny, we’ve never dated in the same city, and now I’m moving in with him in three months. Right after New Year’s. To Chicago, a city I’m not in love with, but after Paris, I think it will seem so much easier to handle. And friendly. (You know there isn’t a French word for friendly? Because that concept of being generally nice to strangers doesn’t exist.) Yes, Chicago in January will be awful. But at least I’ll have someone to keep me warm at night. It’s funny, the thought of being domestic with someone finally sounds really appealing. I fought it for a long time, but I hope I’ve matured enough to a do a good job of it.

As far as taking all my shit to his apartment in Chicago, deciding whether to bring my car, if I want to “decorate” his place or wait until we get a new place…I guess I’ll save all that logistical crap for December! Knowing I’m only here until Christmas makes me much more relaxed. There is an immediate end, and now I can enjoy my time much more. Maybe it’ll even light a fire under me to get motivated and see as much of Paris as I can.

Must run now. I have a 1pm appointment with Hashpa today. Hope I’m actually posing today (read: getting paid.) I will mostly likely have a funny story about getting naked later.