Craigslist, you have let me down.

Soooo. I'm never buying anything on Craigslist again. Furniture maybe. But used cars? Bikes? No no no no. Perhaps this is obvious to some people. Unfortunately, I had to learn the hard way. Call me naive, but I had no idea people were shady assholes trying to rip you off. They are! Last month I had a really bad experience trying to buy a 1999 Honda Civic. I paid a mechanic $130 to check it out, and he informed me that the car was a piece of poop and to immediately take it back to the owner. Thank god I hadn't paid for it yet. There goes $130, but at least I didn't buy a lemon.

Then I move to Portland. Without a car. I've been bike shopping on Craigslist, and it's been an absolutely hellish experience. I had one nasty lady curse me out for asking "to look at her bike." Apparently, the pictures are for looking. I shouldn't waste her time. So the correct thing to say is, "I want to buy your bike right now, no matter what it looks like." So today I travel forty minutes on the bus to shady town NE to look at some meth head dad's two vintage bikes. He recommends the 1970s cruiser. Says it's good to go, just needs a $5 screw somewhere. It's a little beat up, but it's cute. I buy it for $75. Take it to the bike place he recommends. The guy takes one look at my bike and says, "How much did you pay for it? Yeah, take it back."

I'm crushed. Apparently the bike has major boo boos. Apparently the tires are worth more than the bike. Apparently I'm a sucker and this meth head totally ripped me off. See? I'm naive. I call the guy, which is absolutely awkward. He says no go. I say I'm coming there anyway. He says I'm leaving. I say I'll sit on your front porch 'til you get back. I show up. He's there, with his his meth head wife and children. Three against one. He tells me there is nothing wrong with my bike, and this is Craigslist. There's no such thing as refunds. Have a nice day.

I'm not gonna lie, I felt the tears coming. So I dropped the f bomb, but it didn't make me feel any better. They just laughed and got into their shiny Land Rover. It's at times like this I wish I had Project Pat with me to drop shit on that fucker and roll him out. I don't know what that means, but it sounds good. I need to drink a bottle of wine now.