Devendra Banhart needs to be punched.

Here is someone who has always annoyed me. First of all, I hate his voice. It's so affected. Secondly, I hate that he is from LA and is rocking the whole dirty hippie, massive beard, lots of silver jewelry hipster thing. Thirdly, he interviewed Lindsay Lohan in Interview magazine. Maybe it was the other way around. Doesn't matter. It shows you that his target market is girls like Lindsay. And I love Lindsay. But she is a sorority girl desperately seeking her hipster roots. Fourthly, (if that's a word) he is now dating Natalie Portman. That girl is almost as annoying as Ellen Page. So self-righteously puritanical. And finally, the whole "Hey, man, let's just sit around and make some music and come together" bullshit attitude is such a shtick. This guy really wants a trophy girlfriend and expensive condo and organic/fair trade/free range/bullshit facial moisturizer. And I ain't buyin' it!

Daddy's little hooker.

Miley Cyrus needs to be taken down. Immediately. I don't care if she gets knocked up by Zac Efron or hit by a high school bus after one of her shows or chokes on a Fun Dip stick. Just get rid of her. I don't particularly like children, but I disagree with slutty fifteen-year-olds with hooker hair extensions and tube socks being their role model. If she coats her stupid baby eyes with one more layer of jet black eyeliner I'm going to punch her in the throat. I don't ask for much, but whatever happened to fanciful Anne of Green Gables or wholesome Nancy Drew? And no, that stupid remake with Julia Roberts' niece doesn't count. If I ever had a kid I would make her wear a burka and sit inside all day and ensure she had no friends--except for imaginary ones.

George Washington..erhmhughhhsnnruwak.

I really wanted to like this movie. I liked All the Real Girls. And I want to like the director, David Gordon Green. And I watched the Charlie Rose interview and he seemed...okay. Kinda milquetoast. Boring. But...urghmm....It was like Terrence Malick meets Paul Thomas Anderson meets Country Fried version of Kids (minus the sex, thank God). And I despise Kids. It just rambled around and played ambient music and had really nice cinematography. I didn't care about any of the characters, and I felt like the whole movie was underwater and I could barely stay with it. All I could think about was how chocolatey the kids' skin looked. So maybe I should watch All the Real Girls again. Maybe I was fooled. The whole thing lacked enthusiasm. I am unenthusiastic just writing about it.

p.s. I also think white directors add their middle name in to make them sound more interesting than they really are. I only have two examples right now, but I'm going to find more to prove my useless point.

I'm going to punch Ellen Page in the face.

I just watched Hard Candy. I was so excited because I love love love Patrick Wilson. Patrick seducing 14-year-old girls? Sign me up! And Mr. Wilson was, of course, amazing. He's a beautiful man who can sweat really well and has lovely forehead wrinkles. But I had to watch Ellen Page for 120 minutes. Oh, sweet lord. She's even worse than Paul Dano. I want to sucker punch her in that pert little button nose of hers. URghhhh vomit vomit vomit. She is so SMUG. She is mentally patting herself on the back after every line and thinking how goddamn cool she is. She's basically masturbating onscreen. I don't know why I dislike her so much. I think it's because she reminds me of those annoying Theater and Speech kids I hung out with in high school. They read David Sedaris and namedropped Pitchfork-happy bands and deep down worry that they aren't cool enough. Some might say I'm jealous of Ellen Page. No, I'm jealous of Scarlett Johansson. If she'd been in this, I might have liked it. Or Lindsay Lohan! That would have been amazing. I'll even take Paris Hilton. Or Eddie Murphy. Ellen Page annoys me like the Olsen twins annoy me. It's a very special, not even fun annoyance. I can't talk about it anymore because my blood pressure is rising. I'll just say that when she mentions she's reading a book about Jean Seberg in the first five minutes, a mouthful of bitter bile rose up in my throat. That should have been the warning sign. Next time, if I want Patrick, I'll stick with Little Children and my lovely Kate Winslet.

p.s. if she wins the Oscar for Juno, I'm going to throw my bottle of champagne at the TV.

I REALLY don't like Johnny Depp.

The little punk got nominated for an Oscar. WHERE IS JOSH BROLIN? WHERE IS JAMES MCAVOY? I'm pretty angry about this. I am sick to death of Johnny Depp. Yes, he was good in Edward Scissorhands. And Ed Wood. But it's like, the same old schtick. Look at meee! I'm Johnny Depp, and I'm playing a fanciful, childlike figure! Wheeee I'm so amazing and awesome and I bought my wife a vineyard in France and I wear zoot suits tra la la la! Ugh, I am so disgusted by the Oscars right now. And Ellen Page in Juno? She's just playing herself! A precocious, smug little brat who listens to (OMG!!) The Moldy Peaches.

I don't know why I'm so hostile today. Must be the rainy weather.

I don't like Paul Dano.

Sorry. But I don't. I just watched There Will be Blood. Daniel Day-Lewis, inject children in my womb right now. Paul Dano...rip your mouth off and stick it on a cat's butt. He's a mealy-mouthed, slack-jawed, sourpuss baby face. Some people have faces I just want to punch. Paul Dano is one of them. And I know his career is taking off. This vanilla, affected little bore-ass is sticking around. And he's going to be in all the cool movies. Damn you, Paul Dano. Damn you.

What's up with weak tea bags?

I feel like everything in the U.S.A. is of a slightly shittier quality. I'll start with tea. I'm currently drinking Sugar Plum Spice, "a holiday herb tea", by Celestial Seasonings. This first cup is actually pretty good. Granted, I'm drinking it out of a styrofoam (cancer) 8 oz. cup. I try to re-bag it, and it tastes like muddled bath water out of Louie Anderson's tub. The point I'm trying to make is that European tea is re-baggable.

The best tea in the entire world is P.G. Tips from (who else?) The Brits. I was introduced to it during my month-long sojourn in London. It's basically the Coca Cola of England. I got a little bit addicted. It's best served with buttery scones and chocolate digestives. No wonder I gained ten pounds over there!

I can't decide if Celestial Seasonings is the real deal (i.e. mellow yellow granny wearing a patchwork skirt and hemp shoes brewing up a batch in Boulder, CO) or an evil corporate tyrant with great marketing. Probably the latter. The word on the street is that Boulder is full of assholes. If you don't have the perfect calf muscles and newest kayak, get out. I'm trying to find a nice, large-ish town with not a lot of assholes.