I'm going to punch Ellen Page in the face.

I just watched Hard Candy. I was so excited because I love love love Patrick Wilson. Patrick seducing 14-year-old girls? Sign me up! And Mr. Wilson was, of course, amazing. He's a beautiful man who can sweat really well and has lovely forehead wrinkles. But I had to watch Ellen Page for 120 minutes. Oh, sweet lord. She's even worse than Paul Dano. I want to sucker punch her in that pert little button nose of hers. URghhhh vomit vomit vomit. She is so SMUG. She is mentally patting herself on the back after every line and thinking how goddamn cool she is. She's basically masturbating onscreen. I don't know why I dislike her so much. I think it's because she reminds me of those annoying Theater and Speech kids I hung out with in high school. They read David Sedaris and namedropped Pitchfork-happy bands and deep down worry that they aren't cool enough. Some might say I'm jealous of Ellen Page. No, I'm jealous of Scarlett Johansson. If she'd been in this, I might have liked it. Or Lindsay Lohan! That would have been amazing. I'll even take Paris Hilton. Or Eddie Murphy. Ellen Page annoys me like the Olsen twins annoy me. It's a very special, not even fun annoyance. I can't talk about it anymore because my blood pressure is rising. I'll just say that when she mentions she's reading a book about Jean Seberg in the first five minutes, a mouthful of bitter bile rose up in my throat. That should have been the warning sign. Next time, if I want Patrick, I'll stick with Little Children and my lovely Kate Winslet.

p.s. if she wins the Oscar for Juno, I'm going to throw my bottle of champagne at the TV.